victim of circumstance

I don’t always agree with the current “Dear Prudie” on Slate.com (as I often feel she’s too quick to judge the people who are writing to her for advice), but for once in a long while, I agreed with a particular response she wrote. I even re-read the answer and the original question a few times, letting it soak in nice and good so I could ponder it fully without coming to snap conclusions.

Normally, I wouldn’t quite support the idea that I write about below, since I really do believe in the whole “in sickness and in health” component of marriage vows… but with Alzheimer’s, it’s a bit trickier since the person you married (or who married you–depending on who’s the afflicted and which one isn’t) is no longer the person they were when you met each other and when you married them. It’s definitely a lot more taxing than other chronic and/or terminal illnesses (however, not to discount the impact other illnesses leave).

A man wrote in to “Dear Prudie”, asking the following:

I have a married female friend. She and I were teen sweethearts (no sex involved) who lost touch when I left for military service. We have since reconnected and realize we love each other deeply. Her husband has Alzheimer’s, and even before it struck, he was not very interested in sex and had problems performing, so sex has been out of her life for many years. She is a vibrant, sensual woman with a strong sex drive and laments not having a partner. We are principled people, and it would be unfathomable for her to leave her husband, who requires her care. We are not intimate now but want to know, is it permissible for a woman to indulge her sexual needs with a man she loves since she cannot get that satisfaction within the confines of her marriage?

“Dear Prudie” responded with an opening remark on Sandra Day O’Connor’s now late husband. He was afflicted with Alzheimer’s for about 20 years before his death, and as a result of his memory loss, formed new attachments including a romantic interest in a fellow patient at the institution he was being cared for in. It was hard on the family, but both the family and herself were humane and relieved enough to celebrate it, seeing how much contentment it brought him considering the impact that the illness (obviously) had on himself.

What made me agree with her wasn’t entirely so much all that, but the fact she then said, “I would hope anyone would understand that a healthy spouse should be extended the same compassion”.

I understand those who express disgust with the situation presented, perhaps because it seems that the writer(s) are asking permission to have a sexual free-for-all (although nor are they strangers carrying on an illicit emotional or physical affair already)… but on the same hand, who are we to judge unless we can at the very least imagine ourselves in those people’s shoes? The wife of the man is not neglecting to take care of her husband, but in all honesty, those who are faced with these issues are not wrong for craving physical affection (or any romantic/sexual attention) when their partner is no longer able to provide that to them. They are trapped– between someone they still care for very much emotionally, fulfilling their own personal needs, and the rock that is society’s approval or disapproval of the actions they either have or will take to compensate for the fulfillment of their personal needs. This is what gets me. There’s always support of friends or family, true, but anyone would have to be living under said rock if they don’t understand that it doesn’t quite chalk up to the closer intimacy that is entailed in intimate affection as such.

It’s entirely unfair to all parties involved (especially the one whose mind is slowly being sucked away from them), and that’s what we should keep in mind. Alzheimer’s affects more than the afflicted individual–let us not forget it affects their spouses or partners and their wider families. It’s human nature to desire to compensate somehow for what you or anyone else has lost. It does not necessarily make them bad people or denote their actions as bad or wrong.

Whether anybody agrees with this post is their prerogative, but hopefully at least others will understand where I’m coming from on this.